Mental Health Self-Talk

Lately I’ve been having some issues with my depression, which seem to coincide with some of the blog posts I’ve been making about my past. As a result of the memories I’m intentionally (and sometimes forcefully) dredging up, my mood has lowered to the point of occasionally being non-functional. For me, this typically means oversleeping, not doing regular chores like laundry and dishes, dissociating and avoiding reality as much as possible by watching movies and TV shows, playing games, and generally being unresponsive to life.

Along with all of that also comes very negative self-talk. I’ll tell myself that I’m worthless, unlovable, and that there isn’t a point to the things I enjoy. I’ve recently been trying to reclaim Halloween since it has always been my favorite holiday by decorating. At least a couple of the days lately I’ve looked at the decorations that are animated and usually turned off (to save power), and went “what’s the point in putting all of this up if nobody’s around to enjoy it?”

A lot of my self-talk tends to be negative or self-defeating. I have been trying to change this. I have written affirmations in my bathroom mirror so I see them every time I go to the bathroom or take a shower. I have written down things I like about myself and put it on my dry-erase board. I have tried my best to look at the positive things and what I’ve accomplished rather than focus on the negative things or how far I still need to go. I take antidepressants daily. I’m working and I keep myself busy with house work, which helps me to feel at least somewhat productive. It is extremely difficult, however. Especially when you don’t have someone there to support you and help you see where your thinking has gone wrong.

Summer used to be that shining light in the darkness for me. She showed me the good parts of me and actually helped me to love myself even when I showed my darkest side. I’m trying without her and without anyone else because I am told that’s what you’re supposed to do, but really I still have a hard time seeing why I need to love myself without someone else.

One thing that has helped a lot is some advice a therapist once gave me:

Treat yourself as you would a close friend or loved one, with kindness.

In a way, this is similar to the “Golden Rule” except it’s pointed inward. Most people wouldn’t treat someone they care for with malice when they see them hurting, or to mentally, emotionally, or physically abuse them when they’re already in pain. Yet all the time I see people who have mental health issues like depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. treat themselves horribly and without compassion or kindness. I am absolutely guilty of this, and it takes everything in me some days to realize that it’s my own mental illness talking and not the truth. I’m not always successful, but it has gotten easier over time.

As Summer (the one and only person who ever made me feel I could truly be loved for who I was) used to tell me:

There’s always hope.

So please… If you struggle with self-worth issues or mental health issues or simply put yourself down about things like I do, treat yourself as you would somebody you care deeply for…

With kindness.